Christianity and vulnerability

The same exact reason that I write this, is a reason that makes me a hypocrite. Tonight I find myself outside of an IHOP because a fear that I had came to forwishen, and it’s not because I solely wanted to leave the environment that may tempt me like various similar ones I’ve been in, but also because deep inside, I have jealousy and anger I am not one that could have partaken in it.  As Christians, especially those that became one later in life, leaving the world and its desires is difficult. Sex, drugs, drinking to excess, partying, and various other things that were given up for Christ now try to tug back at you.

So here is my situation, and the hypocrisy it displays. Tonight my roommate’s invited a couple of girls to come hangout with them. Maybe their intentions were to get them in bed and possibly start a relationship with them. It was not too long ago that these same girls gave me motivation to drink in excess so I could possibly be one to do the same. It was of my own choice, and I even i courage everyone to drink.

Anyways, they arrive and I noticed they all drank all the hard alcohol (around 1 750ml bottle of flavored vodka). Later we get a 30 pack of beer. The temptation to redo the mistakes of before come up. As the night goes one, it seemed obvious one girl liked one of my roommates, and the other roommate was coming on pretty strong. I eventually see them kiss, I became a fifth wheel. I hate being left out. I proceeded to going into my bedroom and prepare some letters I want to send out.

I text my friend that I hope they do not eventually end in the bedroom as then I’ll be able to hear them, and that would make me uncomfortable. If that were to happen, I’d just take a trip to the lake and sit outside until I get cold or tired. I’m outside an IHOP because i do not have enough gas to get to the lake.

Hypocrisy Exposed

I got uncomfortable for a few reasons. One, I didn’t want the temptation to get me any further. I don’t want to find pleasure in fake women on the internet. But the main reason has nothing to do with that. I am envious and angry I could not be like that. I got drunk hoping that maybe a mutual lack of good choices would get me in bed. I would say unwholesome words because I was afraid that if I was labeled as a prude or innocent, I’d miss out on my chance at sin. My anger is due to me not being able to find a women that I’ve dropped my standards to desperate levels  I have a Solomon Conflict where I want to have not just one person for me, but have them all. I often choose this impulsivity and let the flesh make the decisions because I don’t want to miss out on the pleasures it holds.

Now I’m in the parking lot outside of IHOP uncomfortable with their choices, when not too long ago, I did the same thing or sought it out. This is my hypocrisy. I say one thing, but I am very much motivated to do the other. While I know that I should follow the law of God, my body and mind desperately wants to follow the law of the flesh (Romans 7). I am not mature enough to yet stand on my own, thus I pray I find a good woman that can be my accountability through life and on the mission field. I hope to find a woman that is on fire for God and runs so as to win the race against the flesh. Not a woman that will carry my faith, but roots that allow me to branch out and mature. Yet, even with this I have become desperate and scared if she will come.

My be I’m not a hypocrite because I have acknowledged my hypocrisy. I do not feel as if that is enough. I feel guilty and unworthy, which I know I always am, but I feel like the tax collector praying at the temple – a man with so much guilt that he cannot bear to even look up to God.

I’m sleepy now, so I guess I’ll just fall asleep in the parking lot. Good night

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s