Initial Warning: This is the stuff that is extremely discouraging to me. I need prayers for this, because it has made me struggle these past few days.
I used to struggle with anger problems a lot when I was younger. I was constantly getting teased in football, because people knew that I would not fight back. They knew that I had anger problems. I also did not have the peace of Jesus as I do now. Occasionally, I would still blow up with anger, but I have learned to hold it until I am out of sight. When that happens I tend to punch hard things so I cant vent out my frustrations. My truck’s tailgate has seen the full wrath of my frustrations. In my past, I would hit other hard things like brick walls, metal lockers, granite, the ground, and myself. In the past year, I blew up and hit the most things at once in the history of my anger issues. Now my right hand hurts in certain places.
Since I started college, though, my anger problems subsided greatly, and blowups became extremely rare. It used to be I would blowup once a month at my house, and a few times at school/football field. Now it is rare that I do it at all. I have been very happy with how God has continued to work at helping my patience and given me ways to cope with frustrations. I would not be where I am today if it was not for the Spirit transforming me. But now comes the fun part.
If you read my previous post, you would know that I am already outside of my comfort zone. For weeks I have been scared with coming to live at the apartments I do now. It’s called Bryant Place Apartments in Edmond, Oklahoma. I recommend you look at their reviews. A wise man once told me that Jesus would live in a place like this, and I should see the opportunity in living here. I can minister to the lost that live here. So that encourages me, but somethings are still frustrating.
I asked a person from the office to personally come with me to show me the apartment. I needed to do that so that I would have a witness in case my suspicion would come true. Well, we first walked in, and then we were hit with a wall of smell. The apartment reeked of smoke. It is against the lease to smoke in the apartments. The patio is completely fine for them to do that, but they have not. I had to ask if the ones living here smoked, and she told me they should not be smoking inside. She told me that she would have to penalize them for that, and then charge them to deodorize the apartment.
On top of that, the kitchen was absolutely filthy. It did not look like it had ever been cleaned in years. I had to go in and deeply clean it. The walls also had dirt and stains on it. The futon was damaged as well. This definitely did not look like the place that I toured. I asked to move to a different apartment, but unfortunately the only other apartments did not opt to want pets there. This was my only option. So I asked the one from the office if they could deodorize the apartment, because I know my room and myself, would start to reek of smoke.
So then comes my first night here. I have unpacked, and made my bed. Midnight comes around and there is music blaring in the common area (living room). A few people are over to hang out and are super loud. I thought this could be a good time to meet new people, but also low-key suggest to them to lower the music so Baxter and I could sleep. I left my room to go say high and the whole apartment was covered in smoke, but this smoke did not smell like tobacco. I knew this smell all too well. It was marijuana. They were smoking marijuana. I knew the instant I first walked in the front door that the place smelled like pot.
Since then, I have seen them smoking pot a few other times inside. Every time I walk in the apartment, the smell of smoke is strong. They try to cover it up with incense, but lets be real, that does not help.
Today, I decided to smell myself after church. I thought that maybe I was repulsing people due to my smell. I did smell! I smelled like pot! NOOO! I told my advisor about my apartment situation and the pot smoking, so I hope they will understand, but this association with drugs can get me suspended from the program! People will also start to think that I smoke marijuana! I do not want that to happen! I need for the office people to talk to that guy and tell him to stop, but also to deodorize the apartment fast! My stuff is now smelling like pot! This could hurt me academically, but also in meeting people (especially Christian girls (yeah, that’s a concern for me as well)).
Another thing that discourages me is how when I went to church, someone suggested that I could go to the class for young professionals. It make me feel a bit unwanted, even though I know that was not their intention. They thought that I would feel more comfortable in that class, but I immediately told her that I would prefer to stay in the college ministry, because I am not actually that much older than them. In reality, she was my age and has a good chance of being older than me anyways. Besides, I want to meet a girl there (yeah, that’s a concern for here as well). I know she did not mean harm to me, I just hope that does not happen again.
Overall, this all has brought my patience and mental strength down. I have been feeling like breaking down because I do not know what to do. With my apartment, I will be turning in the checklist, but also reporting the roommate again and requesting to get the place deodorized. If it does not get resolved, I might have to get the law involved.
Today, I just wanted to break down in tears, but I cannot cry that easily. I need your prayers.