10For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles in one point, he has become guilty of all. – James 2:10
I have been talking about my struggle with a “parasitic sin” for a while. To put it into greater detail, I will describe the situation.
A year ago, I ended the relationship I had with someone I cared for very much. To me, I did it without wanting it to end, but I thought it was the best sacrifice. To me, I did not do it because I did not want to be with her. I did it because I wanted her to be happy. Then insecurities hit. I have a fear of loneliness, but not just general loneliness. I know God is always with me; I know that I will always have a group of friends I can trust and fall back on; I know I am loved. That is not the loneliness I fear. I fear not ever having a woman I can call my own, and to be able to grow old with her. The fear stems from me only having a few more years in America. So far, the plan I have is to go to the Czech Republic a year after I graduate from grad school. That is only 3 years from now. Now I could find a woman in Czechia, but in that country, there is very little Christians. So I fear I will never find a person to be with. That fear drove me to try and find the closest possible girl I could be with with so I would not be lonely. That was a huge mistake. A very, very big mistake. One, it hurt my friendship with the girl that I asked out, and two, it may have hurt the girl I cared for. She did not deserve that. Soon after that, the person that I unwillingly broke up with, then had someone else. Why should I have been mad? I broke up with her, AND asked out another girl soon after! But I was hurt. To me, it seemed like everything she did after our breakup was an attack to break me down, even if it was not for that. It became very personal. And here is where I started to struggle with the first parasitic sin, one that I had never struggled with. It was hate.
I started to be bitter toward everything she would do. Again, it seemed like she would do things that we did not do, and make it public so I could see and feel bad. She was never public about our relationship. She did just that soon after being with someone else.
The thoughts in my mind kept racing. How could she try to hurt me when I did not want to hurt her, but instead help her? If she wants me to feel even worse for ending that relationship – the relationship I never wanted to end – then I will make her feel worse! No one attacks me! (thoughts, possibly not reality)
That is when Satan found his way in. And he had me in a strong hold.
During this time, I tried to forget and move-on with everything I had. I would try to not think of her, avoid her so she would not cross my mind, I removed myself from the ministry to not see her; sometimes, I would just have been triggered by hearing her name, or something about her. That would plunge me into a deep hole. I needed comfort. I decided to drink my pains away. Then my pain was uncontrolled. I went on “drunken sexcapades.” I needed the comfort from any woman. I needed to feel wanted! Good thing, I did not have sex with anyone, but the opportunities were present. I would self-harm to try and use physical pain to block the emotional. I would use drugs hoping to feel better. I downloaded different dating apps, dropping my bar so low that finding a Christian girl was not a priority to me. Any girl, I need any girl. I just want to feel love again, so I could forget the pain I was in.
I thought of the bitterness I had toward her, and how I wanted her to be in more pain. I stopped myself most of the time to try and hurt her. But me avoiding her was part of my plan for her to hurt her. I hated how I loved the feeling. I knew it was bad. I knew Satan had taken control of me, but it felt so good. I did not want to leave.
I would pray to God, but I would not be able to pray for her or the guy because of my bitterness. I knew that if I did pray for them, I would not mean it. And I told God that. I would pray that I could find a way to remove the bitterness and be able to pray for her, but I then had the disclaimer that I do not really mean it.
I am a murderer.
15 Everyone who hates his brother is a murderer; and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him. – 1 John 3:15
I murdered people. Not literally, but with my bitterness toward my brethren, I was murdering.
9 The one who says he is in the Light and yet hates his brother is in the darkness until now. 10 The one who loves his brother abides in the Light and there is no cause for stumbling in him. – 1 John 2:9-10
I was in the darkness. I was blind because of my hatred. God is light, and I did not abide in the light. I was quite lost. This was a great place for Satan to hold me.
The last sin I struggled with during the time was self hatred. I hated myself and appearance so much. I would try and find many ways to improve myself. I wanted revenge and the best revenge is to do better without them. To move on! And to look good… That was my mission, I needed to get skinny and more attractive. I needed help so I went to illegal methods. I took steroids. I did testosterone replacement therapy, took an oral anabolic-androgenic steroid, took T3 thyroid hormone, an aromatase inhibitor (to control estrogen), and the conventional post-cycle therapy. During this time, I was ashamed to even talk to God because I was doing something I did not believe I would ever do. The act of putting a needle in me (something that freaks me out so much) made me feel very unworthy to even pray to God.
What a sinner I am? I deserve everything I get. I am unworthy of God’s grace and love.
This brings me to the parasitic sins.
I would say that all sins are equal. We know that by James 2:10. If you are guilty of one part of the law, you are guilty of the whole law. So me talking about parasitic sins is not me ranking a sin as worse, or saying that the consequences of some sin do not eventually bring death (Romans 6:23). This is my disclaimer. I consider “parasitic sin” as a sin that might be something that brings you down more than usual.
A parasitic sin is a sin that pulls you further away from God. It tempts you in thinking that you are not worthy to be in the presence of God, this removing yourself from him. I was ashamed to pray to God because I was praying for the same thing that I never saw improvement. I was ashamed I struggled with hate. I have never done it. I did not want to tell God because I was embarrassed. These sins made me want to be alone. I did not feel right hanging around my ministry, because I felt like a hypocrite and liar. That further made it easier to be in sin. The drunkenness would increase. The pursuit for sex and women of the world made me feel like some kind of heathen. I was injecting myself with steroids. I hate needles! I almost fainted the first few times I injected myself! The steroids increased my libido dramatically, and that made me want to pursue the world and its pleasures even more! I did not want to leave! My insecurities lead me to these sins, and these sins made me feel unworthy of God’s grace.
These sins seemed large. I ranked them. What would people think? Am I some kind of heathen? I do not deserve the love of God. I do not deserve his Grace. I do not deserve anything good! Who would save a wretched man like me?
25Glory be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, on one hand I myself with my mind am serving the law of God, but on the other, with my flesh the law of sin. – Romans 7:25
You see, parasitic sins, are not different than other sins. That is why I place the disclaimer before this. All sin pulls us away from God. We constantly sin the same sins everyday. Do you speed often? Well, that means you have sinned often every time you speed (Romans 13; 1 Peter 2:15-20). My realization with my parasitic sin was it is all sin that should make us feel this way. No, we are not worthy of God’s never ending love and grace! Yes, we do deserve the worst! We sin every day and every time we sin; We prioritize our desires over God. We are Adam’s helpless race! We all deserve death!
But guess what?
6 For while we were still helpless, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. 7 For one will hardly die for a righteous man; though perhaps for the good man someone would dare even to die. 8 But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. 9 Much more then, having now been justified by His blood, we shall be saved from the wrath of God through Him. 10 For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God through the death of His Son, much more, having been reconciled, we shall be saved by His life. 11 And not only this, but we also exult in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received the reconciliation. – Romans 5:6-11
You see, sin has made us enemies of God. Many of our sins, we have become less sensitive to and we do not bat an eye for them. We are ungodly because of sin, but God still came down as flesh to die for us. We do not deserve God’s love and grace, but he gives it to us anyways. We do deserve death, but God has given us life. We just need to believe in his son, repent, and be baptized to cleanse our sins now and forever.
Full circle, my main point is: all sin is equal. Every sin that we commit, whether it is murder, doing steroids, hate, or rebelling against human authority, they all bring us further away from God. They are all sins that bring death. We are unworthy to be loved by God, or receive his grace. We should not have the ability to be in God’s presence or his creation. We should realize that all our sin does it to us. Whether it is a “big sin” or “small sin.” It all makes us ungodly, and guilty. We should seriously remember this.
Then, we can remember that God has saved us when we did not deserve it. Understand the impact of all your sin, and rejoice that God pursues you. He loves you.
You can never fall off the path so much, that you will be far from God. You can never distance yourself far away from God without his grace being in arms length. Peter denying Christ 3 times, and Paul having persecuted Christians, are great examples of how there is nothing you can do to make God not love you enough to still take you back. Amen!
Update 19.5.17: I needed to change some wording as I accidentally wrote in a defaming way. I changed and remove some as the point of this post is to give awareness of parasitic sins and not to defame anyone. That being said, I think there is still enough context to understand the post.