Last night, I turned to the bottle for comfort. I do not know why I keep going back to it when it always leaves me torn down the next day. My spirit is weak, and the devil is trying to pull me down. Because of all of this, I must confess to the brethren. I need the prayers of the kingdom to help me fight this pain and insecurity.
Please. Although, I write about Christianity and my faith, do not think I have no problems. I am not a perfect person, and I have my flaws. Never put your hope in me, but instead put it in the bible. When I fail, it may not bring you down since you are putting your hope on the only one that will never fail you. I am an imperfect human, and I will fail. I talked to one of my friends from the Czech Republic during my trip to California. We discussed the future of the Christian mission in Czechia and their needs. When I asked him if he found a church to attend, they told me they are still looking, but they cannot find it yet. He often times tells me to stop with all the small talk, face value, conversations, but instead be real with me. Every day we talk to people and have very basic small talk, and we then go on our ways. That is what he says he does not like. All the churches he has visited do just that. They act like everything is fine, and perfect. When I asked him what he looks for in a church, he told me he wants a church of sinners. At first that made no sense and sounded like he wanted a church with people intentionally and nonremorsefully sinning. But he explained further that churches today act like they are perfect with no problems, but he wants a church that acknowledges they are sinners and not perfect. So coming back full circle, I am a sinner, but I strive to walk by the spirit.
But last night, I did something I was ashamed of. I have been sinning certain sins that I never struggled with, yet has become a recent development. Satan is trying to use my insecurities. Today I was wondering what I should make this post about. Should it be about my struggles and resolution, or should it be about parasitic sins? Or should I combine both. Well I am not combining them, parasitic sins are for a later date. But I have been caught in sin these past couple of months. And yes, I do sin every day, but I have been caught in sin that I was ashamed of (we should be ashamed of all sin). I never struggled with sins like that. I kept doing it over and over again, and it kept pulling me away from God. I was embarrassed to even pray to God. I felt like I was doing God a disservice by going to church still. I was in sinner, and I did not think I was worthy to be in his presence. This brought me to distance myself from the brethren, and seek to mend my heart with the bottle, women, and physical enhancements. All of that made me stray further from God. I continued the vicious circle of feeling even more guilty and unworthy. It taught me an important lesson that I will discuss in the Parasitic Sins post. I kept sinning against him. I was embarrassed to tell him about it, or to continue to ask him for forgiveness.
Satan has been using my insecurities and longing heart against me. He saw an opportunity for my heart to be filled with rage and anger. It drove me to do things I never thought I would do. I kept trying to be destructive toward myself. And the hold was strong. Satan found how to break me. He will not win.
A few weeks ago, I went to a Wednesday bible class. We are currently studying 1 Peter. Then my campus minister made a point I never thought about. Peter is the man that denied Jesus 3 times when they were taking him to his imminent death. Peter was in the presence of Jesus, the man that he saw perform man miracles, the man that he put all he had aside to follow. Yet, he still would deny knowing him because he feared for himself.
Paul is also the same. Paul would persecute and kill Christians. He was zealous to stop the spread of Christianity. But guess what. God still forgave him and used him as an apostle. Peter as well.
These were two men sinned against God by denying knowing our Savior, and by killing Christians. God still forgave them!
“Therefore I say to you, any sin and blasphemy shall be forgiven people, but blasphemy against the Spirit shall not be forgiven.” – Matthew 12:31
See that, any sin and blasphemy God will forgive! Now, to blaspheme the Holy Spirit is not forgivable, but we must understand the context to fully understand the sin. Basically, Jesus was replying to the pharisees because they were blaspheming the Holy Spirit by not seeing that Jesus was the Christ. After all that he has done, after healing people, and casting out demons, they blamed him to be using the power of Beelzebub to perform all of that! How can you say that he is using the power of the devil to cast out demons for the Glory of God? That is obvious blaspheming, and that is what Jesus is referring as blasphemy against the Spirit. Today, I think it is not possible to perform that sin since we are not in the presence of God in the physical and see demons being cast out, as well as amazing miracles being performed. But all of that is to say that there is no sin you can commit that cannot be forgiven. Paul and Peter are two great examples. And that brought me to know that the sins that I committed would still be forgiven by God. He being so plentiful in grace. That is something that I am not worth of, but God freely gives me it! It brings me to tears to know this!
But that is not all!
14 For we know that the Law is spiritual, but I am of flesh, sold into bondage to sin. 15 For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate. 16 But if I do the very thing I do not want to do, I agree with the Law, confessing that the Law is good. 17 So now, no longer am I the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me. 18 For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh; for the willing is present in me, but the doing of the good is not. 19 For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want. 20 But if I am doing the very thing I do not want, I am no longer the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me.
21 I find then the principle that evil is present in me, the one who wants to do good. 22 For I joyfully concur with the law of God in the inner man, 23 but I see a different law in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin which is in my members. 24 Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death? 25 Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, on the one hand I myself with my mind am serving the law of God, but on the other, with my flesh the law of sin.
1Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. 2For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death. 3For what the Law could not do, weak as it was through the flesh, God did: sending His own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and as an offering for sin, He condemned sin in the flesh, so that the requirement of the Law might be fulfilled in us, who do not walk according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. – Romans 7:14-8:3
Now, I would be ashamed to tell God that I was struggling with the same thing over and over again. I did not think that I was worthy enough to go back to him and tell him the same story, to show mercy on my soul for something I kept doing. But I was not alone. The passage above is labeled by many people as the conflict of two natures. Paul is struggling with something, or multiple things. He is distressed that he keeps doing the very thing that he hates, and not do the thing that he wants to do. Who would save a wretched man like him? Here is the real question, who would save a wretched race like us? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! Our bodies may be trying to serve the flesh, but our minds are serving God. There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus! That is a beautiful verse. I has brought tears to my eyes before writing this post. Our God has loved and pursued us before we were even a thought. With me, he reached out to me when I prayed to know him more. He sent a servant of his to help save my soul. And everyday, my Father will continue to love me. No matter what I have done recently or am doing currently. There is no sin, or quantity of sins, that will make my God love me less.
That’s what is so beautiful about Christianity, our God loves us to begin with, and even though we do not deserve salvation, we all deserve death, he still saved us. He came down to earth as flesh to face all temptations, to humble himself as a servant, and die a horrible death on the cross, all because he loved us. Our God abounds in mercy. He saves us, a race that deserves death every day, but instead he forgives us. The beauty of his love is so great. It is hard to grasp Agape. But I hope that each day, you and I will strive to know love. To abide in his love, and to love like he loves us.