I should really be studying right now…

I have realized that I have not posted since my first post. That makes sense because that was my last post… But this is not just me not posting something a few days later. No, I have not posted in a few weeks. And it is because I have not had any moments that I urged to write or rant or ponder. But today has brought me to a point that I need to rant, and put out my opinion. This is about love, anger, and the contentment of people’s spiritual lives. I write this as I am currently in the library trying to study for two finals tomorrow. I have an Ancient Greek final at 10:15, and a Creating Democracies final at 1:00. Woo! But anyways, love, anger, and the contentment of people’s spiritual life.

Where should I begin? I am upset, but many reasons have made me upset. I have reached a mental low point in my mind. I occasionally get these episodes of depression that last around a week, and are usually never tied to anything. Well, yesterday, I began another mental low point, and the events surrounding now have not helped. So I guess I will begin with yesterday, and the date that I went on.

Yesterday was a beautiful, cold, and cloudy day. I love the winter. It is my favorite time of the year because the clothes are nicer, and the temperature does not irritate my skin. I went with my roommate to get some wood to use in our fireplace. I had arranged to do it that day, but I was hoping to do it earlier. I accidentally slept in, and it was noon when we took off. I had set up a date that day at 4, but I needed to move it to 4:30 because the cutting of the wood, and me getting ready for the date would not have been finished at 4. But yes. I was on a date. It is something I have not done in a while. I was happy for the opportunity. The way we met is a bit of an embarrassment, but we met on Tinder. What was I looking for? Well, nothing really. I don’t know what I currently want. I honestly would love to just dig a big hole and then lay in it. But unfortunately, I have to be dead to get that luxury.

The date did not start until 5:00 because traffic made her run late, but it was fine. It just meant I could stay in the beautiful cold longer (not sarcasm). We went to a coffee shop next to where I lived, to get coffee (obviously). But one problem arose that I had not anticipated: college students. It was crowded with college students studying for their finals! I should have followed their lead, because I am also a college student that has finals coming up. But instead of having the coffee at the shop, I decided to leave and instead go get sushi with her. And that may have been the down fall.

I am too analytical about people’s body language and how they present themselves. At the sushi bar, there was not a crowd of people studying so we could have much more quality time talking. I asked her the generic questions about why she moved to this area, what she likes as hobbies, what type of sushi she liked, but then I broke some rules. Politics and being an intimidating mind reader. I decided to discuss something that always separates people, especially now with our political cycle. I knew what she most likely was politically, but I wanted to just be sure. I poked to see what she thought about guns, or taxes, or Bernie Sanders. This was not the worst part of it. I may have been fine with having kept the political questions where they were at, but I decided to try and read her psychologically.

I told her that her body language made her a likely suspect of murder and that she was contemplating murder at the sushi place. I obviously was making a joke, but then I did pick some things out. We are both psychology majors (I am further along the degree than her), and so we had our fair knowledge of stuff. I noticed her beautiful eyes. Oh man. They were gorgeous. Heterochromia eyes was the type of eye she had. I think it was an aqua green? Greenish blue? I don’t know my specific colors, but it looked like those lagoons with the deep caves in them. Beautiful. And I would have loved to have kept looking at them, but the thing I noticed about her eyes, was not just their beauty, but how she would never look at mine. She is introverted, but eye contact intimidated her. WHY!? I could literally get lost in her eyes. I could have imagined a life within those eyes, a future, and sappy love story with those eyes, but I could not. I asked her if she liked eye contact. Not to my surprise, she told me she does not. I pushed it a bit. I asked her how long she could look into my eyes, which I slightly regret, but I also was glad I did. Because within her eyes, I saw peace and serenity. I saw a beautiful mind uncomfortable by many social norms; an insecure woman, longing for the love and affection of someone to tell her it is all right.

But I also saw the intimidation that I displayed, through her glare. Instead of her legs being pointed to me, they were pointed away. Her body oriented to the door, and her glance was so infrequent. I pushed it too far, and I knew it. I blew it. I tried to recover, I made the conversation from then on lighter and gentler. I was hoping that my expert reading skills would not be remembered after that fateful dinner, but it was! We did not kiss when we split off. We hugged, and I asked if she would be into another date, and she said she would be. She proceeded to telling me to text her, which I hoped was a good sign.

And that concludes part one of the problem. She never texted back today, but she did last night. But it was only one text.

Later that night I was going to an initiation for the classical studies honor society/fraternity. Look at me! I am now a frat dude! Anyways, I was uncomfortable the whole time since I knew no one, and the professors were intimidating. They were all pretty intoxicated, and made me afraid that this initiation would have me being naked, or having to join an orgy. No lie, I was scared. This added to my low point because I was extremely uncomfortable. But I did get to see two cute girls there and I hoped to get a date with at least on of them. (What am I doing? I am looking into dating multiple women)

I find out that the one that I was most interested in happens to be the arch nemesis of a friend of mine. Apparently, this girl I met started being extremely mean to my friend when her ex boyfriend (boyfriend at the time) like my friend more than her. Eventually, the relationship ended for that reason. I seems like a good reason to be salty. I do not know what all went down after that, but I just know that bully is an understatement to the label the cute girl had. My friend asked me not to talk to her.

Before I get into that story more, I need to address the other issue I have had since my date. I have, what I call, the Solomon Complex. I am never content with who I am with, and I just want to have all the women. Why pick one, when many can be great? Well I know that this is wrong. I don’t think dating multiple at the same time is wrong, but being exclusive with multiple is wrong. That might not make sense. Eventually, I would have to pick between a girl that I like the most, and hurt the rest. I hate that idea. I do not want to hurt the feeling or break the hearts of girls that I date. And do I really want to date to marry? I hope that I my end game, but I fear it will not be. So my conflict is  I feel bad for having options, but knowing that I will break hearts, but also that I may not even be dating seriously. What am I doing?  But that is the backstory. Now with the rest of the bully.

I decided to talk to her. I sent her a message from the GroupMe that I was added into. I told my friend about it. She was not happy. So I tried to message back the girl with the hope that I could get coffee with her, but not be for a relationship. I did not get a reply back, but the reply was not the kicker. The sole act of me first messaging her was my mistake. I messaged her without taking my friend’s feelings into account. But the situation is a bit complicated. More complicated than I made it seem. Here are the deets:

  • I hate when Christians consider the Kingdom an exclusive club that only their friends and not their enemies are allowed in.
    • Matthew 5:43-44 shows that Christians should love both their neighbor and their enemies. No one is exempt from the love we should display.
    • Romans 12:19-20 shows that Christians should not retaliate evil for evil. Instead, we should feed our enemies and give them something to drink if thirsty. The wrath is in God’s hands, and we are just to display kindness and goodness to the evil of our enemies.
  • I hate it when people refuse to let the past go, and forgive those that have hurt them
    • Matthew 6:14-15 shows that we must forgive people of their sin against us, because then our Father will forgive us.
    • We should never take their sins and use it against them. (1 Corinthians 13:5)
      • Because we must show love and love does not take wrong doings into account.
    • We should choose to not remember their sins (Hebrews 8:12)
      • And we should forgive like our Father forgave us (Colossians 3:13)
    • And there are plenty of verses about what a Christian should do about forgiveness, and I do recommend that you study it, and know the love God has shown you.
  • I hate when people are not actively pursuing God after baptism. People seem to be content with listening to what the ministers have to say, or what a person says at devotional, but not take extra time to study the word.
    • So I do not like it when people decide not to continue their knowledge of God, the one that created the universe, the complexities of it, make you in the womb, and decided he loves you so much that he sent his son to die on the cross for us. So we could choose to walk with him for eternity in heaven.
      • Why don’t you want to please a God that does that for you?
      • Just look at Psalm 81:8-16 and try to put yourself in God’s shoes.
        • I feel like God is in pain because he loves us so much, and would give us so much, but we decide to not listen.
        • The context of the passage is for Israel, but don’t we still make the mistakes of Israel? Does God not want us know know the truth and choose to listen to him?
        • I use this feeling as motivation to try and do my best for God and get closer to him, because he loves us so much and pursues a wretch like me.
  • I had bias because I liked the girl. I thought she was cute
    • I tried to correct it by changing my approach to a more friendly thing, but still acknowledging that I thought she was attractive, but that does not change the fact that I messaged her first with the intention of dating.
    • And I am against flirt to convert because it usually never works, and has more potential to hurt the Kingdom, than help it.
  • I tend to act in spite when I see the above the being done. This makes me angry, and then leads me to lose control and in turn sin.
  • I acted in spite this time, and decided to rebuke her in an ungentle, unloving manner.
    • If I did not have the attraction to the girl, than I would have been righteous in my anger, but I was not in this situation.

So here is where I am at now. I am tired of seeing Christians making the Kingdom a social club that only your friends are invited to. I tried to invite an ex-girlfriend of mine and an ex-boyfriend of my most recent ex, while I was dating her. I am not a stranger of disobeying people if they go against scripture (Acts 5:29). I will follow God instead of man. But this situation, I was in the wrong. I did not disobey my friend because of her command that went against scripture, I initially did it because I was attracted to her “bully.” Then spite kicked in when I was rebuked – again, not a good thing – and I decided to retaliate in an ungentle rebuking of my own.

So what is the moral of the story? I am not perfect, and I will never tell you that I am. I have many problems, and I will never deny it. I try to get better, but many times it does not seem to get better. I was in the wrong with what I did today, and it was all because of a build up depression from the mental low point, and sad situations. Should this have been the justification of my actions? Not at all, I should have more self control to not do what I did, and I hope that I will continue to strive for that. I am sorry again, for me being a confrontational, mean guy. I really do not like this part of me, but I know I am getting better. If life and the Bible have taught me anything, it is that with God anything is possible, and praying in God’s Will is the sure fire way to get an answer.

I hope that my procrastination in studying has given you something to think about. I hope you consider my mistakes, and you use it to not make the same mistake. I hope that you look at the verses, consider my message, and correct me if I am wrong. If we are all looking to the Bible for Truth, than we will be unified. Now it’s time for me to study…

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